Thursday, September 29, 2011


Fans of Physics are Familiar with the conundrum of universal expansion or contraction, dark energy and dark matter, and where is the "missing" dark matter predicted to be somewhere in our universe?

Elaborate theories, such as those describing baryonic and non-baryonic dark matter on web sites like WIKIPEDIA, don't offer concrete answers.

For the first time anywhere, I present my theory on where the missing matter is:
KETCHUP PACKETS (and other condiment packets) discarded with stuff still in them!

Think about it.... every time you tear open one of those darn convenient ketchup (or other condiment) packets, no matter how thorough you are, you leave a certain amount of condiment in the packet when you toss it out.  I'll leave it to a Physics student or Mathematician to calculate the average amount of condiment discarded this way, but the grand total aggregate must be ASTOUNDING!  Think of enough wasted condiments like this recovered from all the tossed packets around the world daily... if you put them in a river bed and they started flowing, they might be enough or more than enough to equal the volumetric flow rate of Niagara Falls!!!  Now multiply that "hidden" wasted matter times how many condiment using planets there must be in the universe, and VOILA!  Missing Matter Accounted For.   It's KETCHUP!

Now I know that many of you subscribe to the National Geographic Magazine theory... that states that the combined weight of all the stacks of old National Geographic Magazines in all the garages in all the world are enough to explain plate Tectonics, and you favor the corollary that these NatGeo Mags are the "missing matter".  But you'd be wrong.

It's a sad sad truth that Physics Professors and Students and Scientists all over the world are underfunded and starving, not to mention they have no original theories to work on.  Well I propose that we put them to work testing my theory, and in the process they can eat the wasted condiments therefore no longer starve.  You're welcome!

There is NO truth to the competing theory that the missing mass is tied up in unsold versions of various Apple gadgets sitting in warehouses.   I welcome your accolades and laurel wreaths.  Now that I have solved the biggest science problem of the day, and I have no doubt my discovery will lead directly to Star Trek Replicators, I suggest that I be named God Emperor of the Universe.  It's only fair.

SQUINT AS YOU APPROACH ME, LEST YOU BE BLINDED BY MY BRILLIANCE!   You may kiss the hem of my robe.  Just throw coins...
carry on, I'll be in the area all day.  Try the Veal.

Copyright 2011 VROUK

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